The first thing to know about the Epic Lindsay Scale is that it is an exponential scale and not an incremental scale. The second thing to know about the Epic Lindsay Scale is that we do not take it lightly – Lindsays from the Epic Lindsay Scale are well earned and you will garner the respect, admiration, sympathy, and concern of your fellow cyclists. Also, friends and family who think cycling is for commuting, small children, and for those who can not afford to buy a car will fail to comprehend your attraction to such rides and experiences as you proudly tell them that you earned an Epic Lindsay or three.
Before we get into the actual scale it must be noted that rides that occur on a course where 2 or more laps can be accomplished in under an hour will most likely never be epic, they can be awesome, but they will most likely never become epic. Also, rides under 2 hours seldom have the chance to make it into the epic category, it is possible, but shit has got to happen before epic occurs.
Here is how Epic Lindsays are assigned:
One Epic Lindsay:
- the ride takes 30% longer than expected because of weather, getting lost, or bike malfunction.
- the weather must make you more than uncomfortable (numb hands and feet are a good bet), you get lost but find your own way out, or the bike malfunction must be something more than a flat tire, unless you have no spare tube or patch kit; epic status is assured if you have McGuyver something to get you and your bike home.
Two Epic Lindsays:
- the ride takes much longer than usual (see above).
- the weather, getting lost, or breakdown are more severe than above: you will be chilled to the bone, barely able to stay on your bike because of wind, or have gotten sunstroke
- you need to knock on some farmer’s door to get directions home (assured status if you are scared to approach the house because you can’t stop thinking of Deliverance as you enter the yard)
- you cannot get your bike going again and you need to walk it out.
Three Epic Lindsays:
- again, the ride takes much longer than expected, this ride encompasses all of the above
- the ride will have to be 100% longer than expected and it must end in darkness
- loved ones will be concerned about your whereabouts because you are out of cell phone coverage or your phone has died.
- you consider short cuts through uncharted territories and you have to wade through a stream along the way.
Four Epic Lindsays:
- all of the above
- you are forced to bivy overnight because you cannot make heads or tails of where you are due to darkness
- you must wait until the morning to actually find your way home
- you will have pushed your bike for more than 50km
- there will be tears, real goddam tears at one point
- most likely you will be found in the morning by friends and family who have gone to look for you.
Five Epic Lindsays:
- Pretty much you need to do this.
As with every epic bike ride you cannot plan for it to be epic, it becomes epic.